by Mindy Misener
I have always been a little suspicious of sayings like Be gentle with yourself. Sometimes this is framed in the negative: Don’t be so hard on yourself. But I don’t need to be all that kind to myself if I can be fair with myself, right? And I know that I have to be fair with myself. That I have limitations. I know, for example, that I need a certain amount of sleep each night to function in the long run. If I lose a lot of sleep for a few days or more, I start to struggle. I make mistakes. It’s hard to think. But I don’t get mad at myself about this fact, because I am reasonable with myself.
I would wager, though, that one of our biggest obstacles to offering ourselves true kindness is thinking that if we can “reasonably” forgive ourselves in some areas, we can be “reasonably” hard on ourselves in others. We think we can keep our worst impulses toward self-hatred in check, at least most of the time, while still giving ourselves little talking-tos every day. That was the wrong thing to say. Do better next time. You shouldn’t have made that mistake. You know better.
Have you ever messed up, and had someone tell you it’s okay, except that everything else about their demeanor suggests that it’s very much not okay? That’s what I think our “reasonable” self-criticism is like. It’s sort of okay, except it’s not really. Which leaves us in the position of needing to appease our judgmental selves somehow: we must be sorry enough, or mean enough to whatever part of us made that mistake, or make enough promises to never ever ever do that again.
Recently, I was reminded that true self-kindness—not the “It’s okay for now, but do better next time” version—is actually good for us, good for our relationships, and good for our communities. This insight came thanks to an episode from one of my favorite podcasts. According to psychologist Kristin Neff, who was interviewed for the podcast, people who are kind to themselves do not slowly go bad, like fruit left on the counter too long. They are productive and, in an interesting turn, actually more capable of taking responsibility and making apologies when they need to.
I would argue that self-kindness offers more than a backdoor into a healthier psychology. Something about it is a little astounding. It feels, in fact, like brushing up against the love of God—or better yet, letting the love of God brush up against me. I want to keep looking over my shoulder as if there’s some catch. But there is no catch. You can try this at home. Start pulling on any stray strand of your belovedness that you can find; let the silver thread pool at your feet while you search for its opposite end. Good luck!
Self-kindness is, paradoxically, an exercise in humility. We let God love us as we are. We do not force our standards or ideas of goodness or worthiness upon ourselves or others. We say, “The terms are Yours, not mine.”
— Mindy Misener teaches creative writing at Montana State University