by Rev. Laura Folkwein
As a kid listening to secular Christmas music, I was so tickled when I figured out who Mommy was really kissing. However, these days at my house we are more likely to play quiet winter solstice albums (and Storyhill’s Bethlehem, of course). Have you heard Sting’s If on a Winter’s Night? It is gorgeously subdued. Music leads me deeper into the melancholy undertones of the season, which I suspect most of us carry beneath the holiday hum.
Who hasn’t experienced a loss or emotional wounding that tugs against the expectations of celebratory joy? Family estrangement, grief for loved ones who no longer grace our holiday tables or call home, or the heaviness of ongoing pandemic uncertainty all linger. Some of us struggle especially with mental health or issues of addiction this time of year. Most of us in the U.S. northwest yearn for longer days with more daylight.
How does a person get through the holidays when one is not feeling so merry and bright? Over the years I have collected a few tips from mental health professionals and chaplains that have truly helped. Here are a few:
Give yourself an out. It’s ok to leave a party early or to skip an event or two. It is also ok to hide in the bathroom or step outside for a breath of air.
Let the people close to you know that you are feeling a little blue this season and may not be up to your usual traditions.
Tend to your physical needs by getting enough rest, a little exercise, and eating something a little healthier than cookies and eggnog all season.
Find comfort. A cozy nap? A walk with the best listener you know (might be your dog). A favorite treat. Soft socks?
Let the tears or the melancholy be your companions for a time. Try not to fake it or ignore your feelings hoping they just go away. Sadness and grief tend to hang around until we pay them the attention they require.
Let melancholy music carry you along and limit the loud stuff if it shakes your nerves.
Hang an ornament or light a candle to honor yourself and your loved ones.
Volunteer if you have the energy for it. Helping someone else can be a welcome and wonderful distraction.
Find mental health resources if your thoughts become worrisome to you or others, or if it feels like the cloud will never lift. Hospice workers, chaplains, local mental health workers, and even your pastor can all refer you to someone to talk to, if they are not available themselves.
Know that your blues are probably not permanent. Grief and sadness ebb and flow, shift and mellow over time, especially if we welcome them in as part of life and love, even at the holidays.
Here are some additional resources from my favorite folks at Tamarack Grief Resource Center: https://www.tamarackgrc.org/tipsheets
It may also help to remember that the beloved characters in our Advent and Christmas stories were not strangers to pain and grief, nor was Jesus himself. Elizabeth dealt with infertility. Zacharias lost his voice. Mary was a teen mom, and with Joseph she parented a child who would die young. The shepherds were social outcasts who likely did not have enough to eat or stable housing. The wise men were late to the party at the manger. Jesus’ closest friends betrayed him. You and I are not alone in our struggles. These lonesome paths have been trod by others before us. Whatever the season holds for you, may Christ’s gentle and enduring presence comfort you on your way.
Laura Folkwein (she/her) is our current pastor at Pilgrim Congregational UCC. Laura is currently working on a writing project with her family to re-story her family’s western pioneer narratives alongside local Indigenous histories.