by Connie Myslik-McFadden
For many years I have been a student and teacher of the Pathwork, a wonderfully spiritual approach to life and all the challenges we experience as human beings. The Pathwork teaches that we are all spiritual beings on a human path, a path that over many lifetimes leads to union with God, light, love. We are here on earth to learn and evolve. We are here to give our gifts.
Because we have been given free will as part of our nature, it can take a long time to learn what are wise choices and what gives us temporary pleasure with often unwanted consequences. Sometimes we repeat the same mistake many times before the negative consequence becomes so serious we finally wake up. Christ came to lead us out of the path of selfishness, greed, and cruelty, and into a path of love, gratitude, forgiveness, and humility. It is not an easy path. The Pathwork is one of the best ways I know to awaken to the truth of God’s love and the possibility of wholeness: the healing of body, mind, emotions, and spirit.
One of the issues that has come up many times in my psychotherapy practice is the frustration and pain that exists in a relationship in which one person tries with all her might to be loving only to experience rudeness, criticism, rejection, or worse. Often I hear “No matter how much love I give, it’s never enough.”
According to the Pathwork, there are three Higher Self qualities: Love, Power, and Serenity. These qualities exist in all human beings, but usually one or more of them is distorted unless and until we do the work of self-exploration and transformation. This is because we all have experiences, particularly in childhood, that teach us that only certain attitudes and behaviors are acceptable and will reward us with love and approval. Over time we develop a mask, or persona, that has some elements of our higher self but is really more ego based. In other words, we present ourselves to the world as we want to be seen. We develop an idealized self-image, and we hold to it as much as possible, while hiding our true feelings and motives. This is true of Love, Power, or Serenity. We all know people who appear very powerful to the exclusion of being loving or serene. Others appear unruffled no matter what the circumstance. In their pure state, Love, Power, and Serenity are beautiful qualities. In distortion, they create problems for ourselves and others.
For someone who develops a mask of love in childhood, the underlying motive is to be loved. The underlying belief is that “unless I am always generous, loving, good, I will not be loved. Therefore, no matter how I truly feel, I will be loving. Then I will be loved in return. If this means submitting to rude, unkind behavior, so be it.”
The problem with this is that there is, unconsciously, a demand to be loved. After all, if one is this good, this loving, one deserves to be rewarded in kind.
Unfortunately, humans being the way they are, reciprocal love isn’t always forthcoming. The distorted form of love, which is submission, doesn’t work. Then resentment and anger build, and sooner or later those not-so-loving feelings erupt. Often the end result is angry withdrawal from the relationship.
So is it possible to give too much? Yes. True love needs to come from a cup running over, a full heart. When we give too much, the cup is emptied, and we are left feeling depleted, angry, and resentful. When this happens, it’s a golden opportunity to search for any distortion in our expression of love and begin to balance the legitimate longing to have a loving relationship with the genuine power to speak the truth of our feelings. Then we can begin to make healthy changes to our distorted way of loving. The work of developing a relationship of mutual love and respect will take time, but in most cases it can be done, and it’s worth it.
— Connie Myslik-McFadden has been a Jungian-oriented psychotherapist
and writer for many years, and is a member of Pilgrim