By Kerry Williams
Last week at the Library we had a staff training on civility. One might think we were being taught how to be polite to customers, or how to deal with people who were less than polite to us. But what the time together brought was insight into why we sometimes feel irritated, slighted, and powerless without understanding where those feelings come from.
Now, if you know me, you know I am a podcast junky. I try to rein it in, but the truth is that I will wash a clean dish multiple times just to continue listening. So when this training started with homework to hit play on the Hidden Brain podcast, I was all in. They recently aired an episode called “How Rude!” (you can find it at https://hiddenbrain.org/podcast/how-rude/) which looked at what civility, and the lack of it, does to our outlook.
We are living in an age where it’s easy to find examples of downright hostility online, between people who are complete strangers, and that’s been bleeding into in-person interactions as well. But sometimes it’s the subtle things that get under our skin in ways we can’t put our finger on. It turns out that being around people who are rude or disrespectful, even in a situation that doesn’t involve us, puts us on the defensive. Just witnessing someone else being cut off in traffic has a deep effect on us. Not only do we sense that we need to be alert in order to avoid the same fate, we are also hit with the sinking feeling that the world isn’t the safe and friendly place we assumed it was. That can leave us feeling insecure, and when we are unsure of ourselves, we can lash out.
The good news is that the opposite is true when it comes to positive interactions. Living in Bozeman has been such a wonderful haven, where people smile and greet each other on the street. And this truly helps! The small gestures of connection matter, and can balance difficult encounters. Of course, we’re not immune to less-than-friendly behavior, and as our community grows there are more chances to run into someone who doesn’t value neighborly social interaction to the same degree we are used to. In fact, when I first moved here from the east coast I needed to adjust my expectations of what polite behavior looked like. Avoiding eye contact so as to not make strangers uncomfortable was a polite thing to do where I grew up. Chatting with someone you didn’t know caused suspicion and made people feel wary. I still sometimes forget to just jump in and start talking to people I haven’t been formally introduced to yet. But I’ve really come to appreciate how far little gestures go in raising the overall good vibes of this place we call home, and it was so wonderful to listen to this podcast which validated that with research.
Knowing that we don’t have to solve all the big problems of this world to make a difference to others is so uplifting. It’s one of the reasons that church is more important than ever - coming together with folks who will be glad that you showed up is about the most human thing we can do, and the opportunities to experience that feeling are becoming rarer. As the world moves faster and finds new ways to interact via technology, we can remember how much it matters to simply be together. Next time you share a smile or a friendly word, know that it matters. And though being polite is more than just “please” and “thank you,” thank you for every time you do!