By: Kerry Williams
Like many of us, I took full advantage of the Library’s renovation and checked out multiple stacks of books which lined all manner of surfaces in my home over the past six months. It was perhaps the most selfish favor I have ever done for someone. Really? You need me to bring home as many books as I can and just keep them for months on end? Twist my arm! I loved the freedom it gave me to throw my reading list to the wind and grab whatever looked good without worrying about whether I’d finish one book before starting another. I loved having a personal library just sitting there waiting for me, books of all sorts ready to match whatever mood I might be in at any given time. It wasn’t so much that I needed an abundance of choices, but rather the space for trial and error. Normally I feel the pressure of only having enough time on earth to read the most meaningful books, which causes me to prioritize and stay focused on the list that grows ever longer. I know that the library is always there with any book I need, but when I go to search for a new book, I pull out my “must read” list and feel immediately overwhelmed. With the request to help empty the shelves so that remodeling would be easier, I still referenced my list, but this time it felt expansive, since I could grab a random assortment of titles I had heard were worth reading without making an assessment about the correct order to tackle them, or even the likelihood of finishing them all. Having so many good books lined up in front of me also meant that any book I chose to read was a good choice, and any book I set aside didn’t plague me with guilt. I even picked some up, read a chapter or two, and decided I didn’t want to read it. That’s right, I gave myself permission to reverse a decision I’d made. Some of you may be thinking, what’s the big deal? You started reading something you didn’t like and put it back down, it’s only a book. Yes, I would like to think that, and yet…my whole life I’ve held the belief that there is a correct way to do things, not so much for others but for me, and it is very hard to convince myself otherwise. I give everyone else the license to approach life in any way they see fit and change course when they desire, but I am only allowed to stick to a prescribed path. Over time, I’ve encountered enough situations that have challenged this belief, and I have broken free from some very large expectations I had set for myself, but somehow remnants show up in small inconsequential decisions like how one should read books. It is only when confronted by a radically different approach that I am able to recognize the unnecessary restrictions I sometimes set on things. The wonderful news is that practicing letting go makes it easier to actually do so, and I am thrilled with the notion that I will ease up on myself and that never-ending book list. Will I toss it out completely? No way! But I like to think giving myself grace in this area will ripple outward and help me embrace ease and joy on a larger scale. I got the notice from the library this week that books are due back, and I haven’t even read half of what I checked out for that extended loan period. There are a few books that I’ve already returned without a second thought, but I’m going to renew at least a couple that I would miss not reading. So here’s to giving yourself permission to stray from the script, here’s to giving yourself grace in the face of high expectations, and here’s to things gladly left undone - may we all find ourselves able to move on a little lighter in the world.