By Kerry Williams
As a parent of teenagers, one of the things I find most baffling is how to negotiate the role of social media in their lives. There are the regular arguments that society continues to debate about the number of hours that kids are in front of screens (we were so proud of our family limits when they were little, but also wanted to navigate giving tweens a sense of personal responsibility and the chance to practice time management skills - did we balance that all correctly, who knows?) and the danger of disclosing too much online to those who would do harm, along with research being done on the hit to self-esteem that occurs by looking at everyone else’s curated posts and the possible exposure to radicalizing ideas and other destructive content (we hope we have given our kids the tools to make good discernments and the media literacy skills to question information, but it’s scary how sophisticated the technology is to skirt around even the most skeptical mind, so again, who knows?).
We run into time-worn tropes of privacy versus safety, which has existed since well before my own parents refused to allow me to have my own phone in my room. We are currently rehashing something that probably felt the same to my folks when the technology switched from a telephone that was plugged into the kitchen wall to the cordless telephone which could travel with a teenager to any room in the house. The stakes are higher, but the conflict is the same - where is the tipping point in holding on and letting go when we know our children are entering a whole new world that is running at a faster pace than we can keep up with? My struggle lately has been around the costs and benefits of social media. I have one child who is highly social, and since so much is being shared online, it is painful for him to miss any of that, to not be included in the dialog that is happening there. My other child is on the far other extreme, and for him online discussion and information is a lifeline into relationships that don’t come naturally through everyday interaction. Either way, the social aspect of technology isn’t in itself evil, and as often as I wish I could be parenting without this added dimension, I try to embrace the good that comes out of it.
I have been able to talk with my kids about the struggles I have with what pops up in my social media feed, and how hard it is to get out of loops of information that don’t serve me. It’s not a bad jumping off point for making decisions and following inspiration in the real world. I also have come across some some amazing perspectives that put something I have found true into words that make sense, and some really interesting ideas that have challenged my beliefs in a good way. One of my favorite Instagram accounts is @progressivechristianity, since they feature posts from so many different perspectives, and don’t expect any one person to agree with everything they put out there. I feel that they respect my ability to accept, reject, or grapple with any number of ideas being offered, and that they are not posting in order to cause debate so that they can garner likes, but are truly just opening up conversation so that mindsets can be expanded.
I really appreciate that kind of engagement, and it’s something that I also love about coming to Pilgrim. There is a sense of being grounded, a sense of “here is where we stand,” without a need to prescribe specific beliefs that everyone must agree upon. There is a sense of belonging amidst difference that seems so rare in these times, and I cherish that. I hope, and sometimes feel naive for it, that my kids find those spaces of inclusive belonging in their own lives as they move forward in both the online world and the real world.
I recently heard Brene Brown discuss the difference between belonging and fitting in, and it sure seems like we as a nation are having a difficult time figuring out how to manage this distinction. In fact, Brene says that "The greatest barrier to belonging is fitting in.” Here’s more: "Brown's research surprised her at first. She thought belonging was something people externally negotiated with the groups they seek to belong to. Brown said that when we 'fit in' as opposed to ‘belong,' we acclimate to the situation instead of standing for our authentic self. "We are more sorted than we have ever been in the history of the U.S. We have built ideological bunkers. We are more likely now to live with, worship with, and go to school with people who are politically and ideologically likeminded," Brown said. While logic may suggest that this 'sorting' results in more people feeling a sense of belonging, Brown warns these connections are 'counterfeit.’” For us to feel a sense of true belonging, we have to feel that our authentic selves are what is being accepted, not just the ideas in our heads or even the beliefs in our hearts. Time and time again Pilgrim walks this tricky path. As a church we show up and accept the messiness of being human. It’s difficult work, and maybe it’s why we’re here. I’m sure glad that my kids have had the example of Pilgrim in their lives, and I hope it can buoy them through all of the influences they need to navigate as they grow. It continues to for me!